1. Date a lot of guys
2. Live by myself (present)
3. Travel — kind of completed…lots of cruises and state-visits, but I need to check out Europe

Okay so things I still need to get done… I really want to run a 5k every month for a year! then work my way up to 10′s and a hopefully a half in the not too distant future. And I figure that at the very least if I start dating someone tomorrow, spend a year with them, get engaged, and get married a year later, that gives me over TWO YEARS to take enough voice lessons and guitar or piano lessons to do a special tribute to my Mom and Dad on my wedding day lol, I know, that totally came out of left field lol but it’s something I’ve always wanted to do. I am not a HORRIBLE singer but I’m not good either, so I figure I can probably work my way up right? and guitar lessons are doable too. My plan is to sing and play “Landslide” in my wedding dress at the reception for my Mom (who passed away 6 years ago) and for my dad who I will make sure walks me down the aisle (he’ll be in a wheelchair but the widest aisle ever).  I can just play the whole scene in my mind — sitting there on a chair in my wedding dress, starting the guitar chordes, and saying “This one’s for you momma and daddy…”…just a little different from the Fleetwood intro

Okay so that’s the plan for now thankyou very much!

My college love actually did something similar to me; the summer after my mom died in March of 2004 he began a relationship with a girl he worked with at Old Navy. They kissed and did whatever else, all while I was at home taking care of my grieving and disabled father, all the while trying to grieve myself. So ya, people do shitty things.

In other news…things with the boyfriend are still going okay. There is a little bit of a communication gap because there are so many MILES between us (he’s about 15 min south of Atlanta and I’m about 20 minutes north, so we’re about 38 miles apart) — and I don’t know if he’s done this long distance thing before. I mean, things are awesome when we’re together: he’s super-affectionate, we cuddle, hang out, etc…but it’s hard sometimes when we only see each other for a “sleepover” a couple of times a week. I really like him and he’s such a great guy that I don’t want to lose what we have…he could potentially be someone I could see spending my life with. And I don’t really believe in that “love at first sight” thing, or knowing the person is who you are going to marry after the first date. I just don’t think that sort of thing exists.

I desperately need to start my running regime again. I’ve been feeling the bug for a long time and I just haven’t been able to find the time to get out there! Tomorrow is it though — weather permitting. It’s actually been very cold her in Georgia and now that it’s warming up the RAIN has started. It’s not downpouring but just enough to be annoying to run in. But I’m keeping my fingers crossed for tomorrow! and I definitely want to do a 5K every other month this year…maybe work up to a half?

Alrighty, time to relax! Gnight

I want to be the first thing they think of when they wake up–

and the last think on their mind when they fall asleep

I want to be appreciated for the goodness in my heart and the solid head on my shoulders

I don’t want to feel forgotten among chaos and daily stress

I want to stop missing my Mother, and I want you to make me feel like I don’t have anything to be sad about anymore because I have YOU and she knows that…

1. Get my finances in order! That means paying bills on time, clearing up any debt, getting my credit score back to normal, and paying off my car – $2000 to go!

2. Stop complaining

3. Do less gossiping

4. Sweat every day

5. Run a 5K every month

6. Find a new job — a CAREER job

7. Make sure I get to the dentist, dermatologist and endocrinologist for a checkup

I think writing is something the old me did because I enjoyed it. I thought I had a deep understanding of most things and a way interpreting many emotions and situations. Nowadays, writing just reminds me of my own feelings of saddness and anxiety and worry. Writing used to be a way that I let go of things; now it almost hurts to much to face those things, and I’ve learned in many ways to stop myself from feeling and in simple terms “talk my way out” of it alltogether. That isn’t good but it unfortunately is the way I deal with not breaking down every second of my life.

I often contemplate what most people stress about in this world: work, family, money [of course], relationships, health — and there are obviously sub-categories to all of that. As I go about my days and encounter others — whether I get to speak to them or know them at all — I sort of enjoy wondering what their life is like. Maybe it’s a longing to relate? Or maybe a way to escape? My profession right now involves communicating face-to-face with people every day — I am in sales, but I get to know my customers on a personal level and sometimes end up finding a lot more about their life than either party intended to share. And as we talk, and they ask me questions, I give back reflection and advice even (if just ever so slightly), but not once do I ever think of my emotions. Sometimes at the end of the day I ask myself, “How is it that I didn’t burst into tears today?”

I’m listening to the new song by Lady Antebellum called “I need you.” Most people who listen to this probably interpret it as a love song — which is probably the right determination! However, I go to a completely different place when I hear these types of songs; especially with lyrics like “I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.”

It’s unfortunate that those of us in this life who’ve lost a loved one are errevocably and forever changed in their heart, mind and souls. That may be cliche to say but its meaning is anything but between any two people. Most days I’m able to not feel anything at all — I always think of the loss, but I can block out the emotions and see it for what it is. But I would never wish this upon anyone else.

I would give anything rewind my life and push an eternal pause button. I would never want anyone to feel what it’s like to want your old life back, before the hurt began; to want those family moments back, when everything in the world didn’t matter because at least you were all together; to wonder if someone is proud of you, or if you’ve done right by them; to be ashamed of the things you know they wouldn’t be proud of; to share your life with them, have them get to know the adult you are today.

This will be the sixth Christmas without my mother and the FIRST one without any of my family around. I just ended a relationship about 4 months ago where I thought I’d had the rest of my life all planned out — but it turned out to NOT be the right life for me so I got out of it and am happier because of it. I was crashing at my friends’ house for a few months and just moved into my own apartment. Living solo is great — no rules but your own and no one to blame for mistakes but yourself; I plan to do a lot of soul-searching   It’s also the first time I’ve had to buy furniture, pay my very own bills — and spend my first Christmas alone. I have a new job (part-time management) and since it’s retail like I said above I will have to be here to work through the holidays. That means not much time off to go be with my dad and brother on Christmas. The guy I’m dating exclusively now (which means he’s my boyfriend) did say I am welcome to spend Christmas Eve with him and his family and then stay over with him…but then I am grappled with wondering is it too soon? Do they want some new girlfriend of his hanging around for their family holiday traditions?

So that’s where I’m at right now I guess…a perpetual emotional sleigh ride at 26 years old. I guess it could be worse — and it most likely won’t get easier, right? So trying to make the best of all of it is what I’ve been trying to do. Make Mom proud while I have the opportunities to, volunteer my time where needed, make contributions to this world, and just do what makes me happy.

((more cliche moments right below!))

There are never enough moments in this life to say exactly what you mean. There’s ALWAYS just a few minutes to tell the ones you love how you feel. Never EVER let those kind of moments pass you by.

Three Jobs I have had in my life
1. Lifeguard
2. Web Writer
3. Communications Specialist

Three Places I have lived
1. Vermont
2. Miami, FL
3. Georgia

Three Favorite drinks
1. Water
2. Green Tea Ginger Ale
3. Coffee

Three TV Shows that I watch
1. Grey’s Anatomy
2. Today Show
3. Ellen

Three places I have been
1. Jamaica
2. California
3. Mexico

People who call me regularly
1. My sister
2. My brother
3. My bestie, D

Three of my favorite foods
1. Sushi
2. Special K cereal
3. Fruit

Three Things I am looking forward to
1. My outing tonight!
2. Nail appt this afternoon
3. Finding a job

Three Things that are always by your side
1. God
2. Family
3. chocolate

But then reality comes back into view and I remember that no one will be there. And I am not in denial or anything… I am completely aware that I got on the flight alone, sat in the aisle seat 24c next to someone I didn’t know, and then grabbed my carry-on’s and walked off the plane by myself. I guess I’m just hoping, or maybe imagining, that someone’s waiting for me.

I always had a really vivid imagination as a kid, and really, even as I grew older. And I don’t think that it’s ever really left me.

You know the cliche saying, “Maybe we’re just not meant to be?” I think I understand what it really means now… When we were together, we changed into people that were so opposite of ourselves; so completely unlike who really are. I definitely changed in that way, at least. Him…I’m not so sure. I think once he stopped with the bull-shit, he got bored or comfortable, and then just stopped trying to be that person for me. Now that he’s without me, he’s comfortable because he can go back to putting on a show for everyone and being that “island” I think he was so fond of creating for himself.

But it still makes me angry when I see him doing the things I would have wanted to do, the things that THIS girl does, things that make her happy and who she is. He’s being the guy I fell in love with, which makes it hard to have had “us” end. So all the while, was he just contradicting me for sake of the opposition? Was it a control thing? Some of my friends and family think so (actually most ALL of them do).

He just texted me, out of the blue, for no reason other than to ask me about the dog and how he’s been since his neutering…a procedure I had done on TUESDAY, five days ago. If he really cared about the dog he would have contacted me right after it happened. I’m pretty sure it’s just another way to control me by making me upset (which is STILL working, damnit).

Anyways, other than all that drama, I had a great weekend with my dad and his extended family. We went to his aunt and uncles 60th wedding anniversary and I got to meet several of my relatives (his cousins) whom I’ve never met or haven’t seen since I was age two. It was really a lovely party and just so wonderful to spend time with all of them.

I also got to see my best friend, who is 9 months pregnant! She came to term today actually but her and her doctors think she’ll be at least a week late. She’s totally ready to have the baby too I think they are having a boy and that she and her husband will make fantastic parents! I miss my bestie so much, and it was so wonderful and comforting to see her this weekend too.

Alright, that’s all for now!

It isn’t very difficult to see why
You are the way you are
Doesn’t take a genius to realise
That sometimes life is hard
It’s gonna take time
But you’ll just have to wait
You’re gonna be fine
But in the meantime
Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you’ll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday
And I don’t wanna hear you tell yourself
That these feelings are in the past
You know it doesn’t mean they’re off the shelf
Because pain’s built to last
Everybody sails alone
But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds
Come over here lady
Don’t hold on but don’t let go
I know it’s so hard
You’ve got to try to trust yourself
I know it’s so hard, so hard
Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you’ll heal over, heal over, heal over someday

I am just feeling so pathetic and inadequate. I feel broken, physically and mentally. I am a drama queen. I don’t know what I am doing with my life or my career at the moment – which really means I have NO JOB. I don’t have a love life at all, and it looks bleak in the near future. I feel resistant, I feel like I’m holding back. I feel so insecure and meek and unassertive. I don’t feel like myself.

I just got back from a Catholic retreat on Sunday…it was a 3 day retreat titled “What’s Next?” – which pretty much talked about life’s transitions (good or bad) and how to deal with them and what they mean. Well…I thought I got a lot out of the weekend; and I still think I did, but right now, in this moment I am feeling pretty shitty. And I’m not trying to be a downer, just honest.

I also feel like I am being a terrible dog-owner. Part of me wants to move out to California to be with my brother and I feel like that would be super-cruel to make my dog make that trip/transition.

Ugh, I hate this worthless feeling. God, please make it go away!!!

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…. Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…. A youth she’s content to leave behind….

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE.… A past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to retelling it in her Old Age….

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…. One friend who always makes her laugh…And one who lets her cry…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her Family…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…. Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, And a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…. A feeling of control over her destiny…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.… How to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.… How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.… When to try harder…And when to walk away….

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.… That she can’t change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents….

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.… That her childhood may not have been perfect…but it’s over…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.… What she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.…How to live alone…even if she doesn’t like it…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.… Whom she can trust, whom she can’t, and why she shouldn’t take it personally…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.… Where to go…be it to her best friend’s kitchen table…or a charming inn in the woods when her soul needs soothing…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.… What she can and can’t accomplish in a day…a month…and a year…