I don’t know why I go through these strange droughts with writing here…it’s like I have small spurts where I actually manage to type something out — otherwise I get to this blank page and then just “x” out of the window.

I think writing is something the old me did because I enjoyed it. I thought I had a deep understanding of most things and a way interpreting many emotions and situations. Nowadays, writing just reminds me of my own feelings of saddness and anxiety and worry. Writing used to be a way that I let go of things; now it almost hurts to much to face those things, and I’ve learned in many ways to stop myself from feeling and in simple terms “talk my way out” of it alltogether. That isn’t good but it unfortunately is the way I deal with not breaking down every second of my life.

I often contemplate what most people stress about in this world: work, family, money [of course], relationships, health — and there are obviously sub-categories to all of that. As I go about my days and encounter others — whether I get to speak to them or know them at all — I sort of enjoy wondering what their life is like. Maybe it’s a longing to relate? Or maybe a way to escape? My profession right now involves communicating face-to-face with people every day — I am in sales, but I get to know my customers on a personal level and sometimes end up finding a lot more about their life than either party intended to share. And as we talk, and they ask me questions, I give back reflection and advice even (if just ever so slightly), but not once do I ever think of my emotions. Sometimes at the end of the day I ask myself, “How is it that I didn’t burst into tears today?”

I’m listening to the new song by Lady Antebellum called “I need you.” Most people who listen to this probably interpret it as a love song — which is probably the right determination! However, I go to a completely different place when I hear these types of songs; especially with lyrics like “I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.”

It’s unfortunate that those of us in this life who’ve lost a loved one are errevocably and forever changed in their heart, mind and souls. That may be cliche to say but its meaning is anything but between any two people. Most days I’m able to not feel anything at all — I always think of the loss, but I can block out the emotions and see it for what it is. But I would never wish this upon anyone else.

I would give anything rewind my life and push an eternal pause button. I would never want anyone to feel what it’s like to want your old life back, before the hurt began; to want those family moments back, when everything in the world didn’t matter because at least you were all together; to wonder if someone is proud of you, or if you’ve done right by them; to be ashamed of the things you know they wouldn’t be proud of; to share your life with them, have them get to know the adult you are today.

This will be the sixth Christmas without my mother and the FIRST one without any of my family around. I just ended a relationship about 4 months ago where I thought I’d had the rest of my life all planned out — but it turned out to NOT be the right life for me so I got out of it and am happier because of it. I was crashing at my friends’ house for a few months and just moved into my own apartment. Living solo is great — no rules but your own and no one to blame for mistakes but yourself; I plan to do a lot of soul-searching   It’s also the first time I’ve had to buy furniture, pay my very own bills — and spend my first Christmas alone. I have a new job (part-time management) and since it’s retail like I said above I will have to be here to work through the holidays. That means not much time off to go be with my dad and brother on Christmas. The guy I’m dating exclusively now (which means he’s my boyfriend) did say I am welcome to spend Christmas Eve with him and his family and then stay over with him…but then I am grappled with wondering is it too soon? Do they want some new girlfriend of his hanging around for their family holiday traditions?

So that’s where I’m at right now I guess…a perpetual emotional sleigh ride at 26 years old. I guess it could be worse — and it most likely won’t get easier, right? So trying to make the best of all of it is what I’ve been trying to do. Make Mom proud while I have the opportunities to, volunteer my time where needed, make contributions to this world, and just do what makes me happy.

((more cliche moments right below!))

There are never enough moments in this life to say exactly what you mean. There’s ALWAYS just a few minutes to tell the ones you love how you feel. Never EVER let those kind of moments pass you by.

Three names I go by
1. Katie
2. Kate
3. Kathryn

Three Jobs I have had in my life
1. Lifeguard
2. Web Writer
3. Communications Specialist

Three Places I have lived
1. Vermont
2. Miami, FL
3. Georgia

Three Favorite drinks
1. Water
2. Green Tea Ginger Ale
3. Coffee

Three TV Shows that I watch
1. Grey’s Anatomy
2. Today Show
3. Ellen

Three places I have been
1. Jamaica
2. California
3. Mexico

People who call me regularly
1. My sister
2. My brother
3. My bestie, D

Three of my favorite foods
1. Sushi
2. Special K cereal
3. Fruit

Three Things I am looking forward to
1. My outing tonight!
2. Nail appt this afternoon
3. Finding a job

Three Things that are always by your side
1. God
2. Family
3. chocolate

As I stepped off my flight back home to Atlanta, I couldn’t help but find myself searching the crowd outside the terminal for a familiar face. Looking, hoping to see someone I recognized, someone waiting for me to arrive.

But then reality comes back into view and I remember that no one will be there. And I am not in denial or anything… I am completely aware that I got on the flight alone, sat in the aisle seat 24c next to someone I didn’t know, and then grabbed my carry-on’s and walked off the plane by myself. I guess I’m just hoping, or maybe imagining, that someone’s waiting for me.

I always had a really vivid imagination as a kid, and really, even as I grew older. And I don’t think that it’s ever really left me.

You know the cliche saying, “Maybe we’re just not meant to be?” I think I understand what it really means now… When we were together, we changed into people that were so opposite of ourselves; so completely unlike who really are. I definitely changed in that way, at least. Him…I’m not so sure. I think once he stopped with the bull-shit, he got bored or comfortable, and then just stopped trying to be that person for me. Now that he’s without me, he’s comfortable because he can go back to putting on a show for everyone and being that “island” I think he was so fond of creating for himself.

But it still makes me angry when I see him doing the things I would have wanted to do, the things that THIS girl does, things that make her happy and who she is. He’s being the guy I fell in love with, which makes it hard to have had “us” end. So all the while, was he just contradicting me for sake of the opposition? Was it a control thing? Some of my friends and family think so (actually most ALL of them do).

He just texted me, out of the blue, for no reason other than to ask me about the dog and how he’s been since his neutering…a procedure I had done on TUESDAY, five days ago. If he really cared about the dog he would have contacted me right after it happened. I’m pretty sure it’s just another way to control me by making me upset (which is STILL working, damnit).

Anyways, other than all that drama, I had a great weekend with my dad and his extended family. We went to his aunt and uncles 60th wedding anniversary and I got to meet several of my relatives (his cousins) whom I’ve never met or haven’t seen since I was age two. It was really a lovely party and just so wonderful to spend time with all of them.

I also got to see my best friend, who is 9 months pregnant! She came to term today actually but her and her doctors think she’ll be at least a week late. She’s totally ready to have the baby too I think they are having a boy and that she and her husband will make fantastic parents! I miss my bestie so much, and it was so wonderful and comforting to see her this weekend too.

Alright, that’s all for now!

Heal Over
by: KT Tunstall

It isn’t very difficult to see why
You are the way you are
Doesn’t take a genius to realise
That sometimes life is hard
It’s gonna take time
But you’ll just have to wait
You’re gonna be fine
But in the meantime
Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you’ll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday
And I don’t wanna hear you tell yourself
That these feelings are in the past
You know it doesn’t mean they’re off the shelf
Because pain’s built to last
Everybody sails alone
But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds
Come over here lady
Don’t hold on but don’t let go
I know it’s so hard
You’ve got to try to trust yourself
I know it’s so hard, so hard
Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you’ll heal over, heal over, heal over someday

So I don’t know what’s wrong with me…I just don’t feel right. And that makes absolutely ZERO sense to me! I mean, I’ve just become a single gal, I’m young (26yo), I’m in the BEST shape of my life (dropped 15 lbs in the last year, am probably under 15% body fat, have killer toned arms, lol), I feel beautiful…

I am just feeling so pathetic and inadequate. I feel broken, physically and mentally. I am a drama queen. I don’t know what I am doing with my life or my career at the moment – which really means I have NO JOB. I don’t have a love life at all, and it looks bleak in the near future. I feel resistant, I feel like I’m holding back. I feel so insecure and meek and unassertive. I don’t feel like myself.

I just got back from a Catholic retreat on Sunday…it was a 3 day retreat titled “What’s Next?” – which pretty much talked about life’s transitions (good or bad) and how to deal with them and what they mean. Well…I thought I got a lot out of the weekend; and I still think I did, but right now, in this moment I am feeling pretty shitty. And I’m not trying to be a downer, just honest.

I also feel like I am being a terrible dog-owner. Part of me wants to move out to California to be with my brother and I feel like that would be super-cruel to make my dog make that trip/transition.

Ugh, I hate this worthless feeling. God, please make it go away!!!

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…. Enough money within her control to move out…And rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…. Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…. A youth she’s content to leave behind….

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE.… A past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to retelling it in her Old Age….

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…. One friend who always makes her laugh…And one who lets her cry…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her Family…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…. Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, And a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…. A feeling of control over her destiny…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.… How to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.… How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.… When to try harder…And when to walk away….

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.… That she can’t change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents….

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.… That her childhood may not have been perfect…but it’s over…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.… What she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.…How to live alone…even if she doesn’t like it…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.… Whom she can trust, whom she can’t, and why she shouldn’t take it personally…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.… Where to go…be it to her best friend’s kitchen table…or a charming inn in the woods when her soul needs soothing…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.… What she can and can’t accomplish in a day…a month…and a year…

So somehow I tracked down one of my old blogs…and it made me feel strange. I didn’t know which way I wanted it to make me feel, but I think I found a lot of peace reading it again. It was from way back in 2007 when we were first emailing; my writing is beautiful, thoughtful and honest…and it’s all about you. The way you made me feel, think and look at life…the way you brought out this amazing side of me, the side that wanted to accomplish things in life and look for all the good things the world had to offer. Besides that, my writing was brilliant too! I had so many wonderful things swimming in my head …all because of you.

I’m not writing this to make you feel bad. Really, truly and honestly that’s now what my purpose it…sort of therapy for me I guess.

Just figure yourself out for me — or don’t do it for me — do it for the woman you’re going to meet someday…do it for her so that she can keep the man she meets, the wonderful guy that I met and fell so madly in love with. Sweep her off her feet just the way you did with me, because every woman needs to feel that (and you did it so very well!). Only do it after you get out of the Army so it doesn’t change YOU so much. I noticed your fb status the other day, the one that said something like, "Every time I go to work…a little bit of my soul dies," and it made my heart hurt: like honestly, why couldn’t I have made you feel alive? Why couldn’t our relationship — which began so beautiful — sustain you? Sustain us?

I know the army is tough and rough and doesn’t cater to your emtions — heck, they pretty much call you a nut if you have them. Maybe you just needed a soulmate for a few months back then when we met…to help you get to where you are now, or where you are going to go… I just wish I could have been in on that little "secret" so it didn’t hurt so much now. I’m not perfect either though — I really turned into someone I didn’t know…so far from the person that you met, the calm person I know I am. And while it may have seemed like I came to you in pretty wrapping paper and a bow, I think the box was pretty empty inside.

But really though, I’m doing alright. Sometimes people come into our lives for just a short time, to do their part, and then leave…maybe that’s what we were for each other. Maybe I needed you, us — this tornado of a relationship for the past few months — to pull me out of my rut, to get me going on MY life and what I’m meant to be doing. And I’m working really hard to accept that…I just wish life hadn’t fooled me so! …I can still feel the crazy-love for you in those old blog entries…I can still wrap my arms around every feeling and moment.

Take good care of yourself, Love…and I know you’re a hard worker and you do your job very well, which is a TOUGH job. You are awesome at the "army dude" thing so keep it up…just make sure you leave room for "her" someday.

Off on my retreat this weekend…not even sure I want to send this to you…may wait till the morning…who knows.

Katie

The day I moved out and into my new digs (with two great friends of mine) I signed up for a Catholic retreat called “What’s Next?”

It was basically the first time something spiritual really “spoke” to me. Almost literally it said, “Katie, this is for you…you NEED to do this.” So I registered and tomorrow evening I am off on a 2 night 3 day retreat.

Here is the summary of the retreat…sorry it’s kind of long:

Our lives are filled with transitions. This is especially true for young adults. Some of these transitions are joyful- graduating college, falling in love, getting married, having children, or landing the big job. Some of these transitions are painful – the break up of a romantic relationship, the death of a loved one, the anxiety of searching for a new job, illness, or the agonizing wait in the midst of unemployment or to start a family.

This is a retreat for anyone who wants to integrate the insights of psychology and the gift of our faith in making more grace-filled, intentional life choices. This retreat is for everyone who is seeking a deeper understanding of transitions that they have gone through or for anyone who is currently in the midst of a transition. It is a retreat for those who feel a bit bewildered by the changes taking place in their life and for those who feel stressed over the acceleration of contemporary living. It is for everyone who wants to bring their faith into a clearer focus and connect it to what matters most in life. This retreat allows young adults not only the opportunity to reflect on how their experience of transition influences their faith but also how their faith can guide, comfort, and support their journey of transition.

Come and be encouraged by the stories of others who have faced significant times of transition. Pray together, talk in small groups, take time for silent reflection or spiritual direction, visit with old friends, meet new ones and celebrate a Catholic Mass. Discover tools of discernment and resources of support through thought-provoking presentations by others in their 20s and 30s.

Needless to say, I’m really excited. Does this not completely speak to me? I know right?   All the bolded parts are what applies to me…which is pretty much EVERYTHING. I am definitely anxious and stressed over these transitions in my life and often feel like there is no end in sight. I know that with more of a spiritual outlook on life — and namely with GOD back in my life — I will learn to be more optimistic and trusting in what my God has planned for me. I will hopefully also learn a  bit more about myself and hopefully start the path for finding ME again.

It’s time to start chasing my own life again!!! (thanks Caitlyn!)

I’ve been single now for a week…and already three random people I don’t know said I’m hot and they want to date me.

One of them is married, expecting his fourth child. One of them is a guy who has goals but just broke up with his girlfriend. The last dude apparently has ZERO goals.

But they think I’m hot, right? Isn’t that the important part?

No, really, it’s not. At first I was thrilled at this notion that I was being “adored” ; but it’s quick to stay and I am then left feeling alone and degraded. Yes its flattering, but when someone says you’re HOT it is purely based on physical attractiveness…what about my mind??? Is that HOT too?

Women want to be known as beautiful, enchanting, gorgeous even. Hot, smokin’ and bangin’ (or whatever terms guys use these days) are not indearing.

Ugh, life and dating BLOWS sometimes. Especially when you’re 26 and everyone else has a boyfriend, fiance, or husband.

I won’t be cliche and say that I thought we were going to be together forever…but that’s how our relationship started, as a movie cliche. I guess it’s only natural and typical for it to end as a cliche too.

But it wasn’t just the normal situation…there was no infidelity, there was no “other woman”, and neither of us beat on each other. We just simply weren’t meant to be (okay, I promise no more cliche’s after this!).

I’ve never dated a real “man’s” man. He was all of that…or so I thought. I know guys belch and fart and are kind of messy sometimes — that sort of comes with that dating package. Of course, I wasn’t prepared for it 24/7…like burping as he leaned in for a kiss, and walking around buck naked ALL THE TIME. And I really didn’t forsee him putting all things in his life before me: work, his affinity for guns, video games, his family, his body image…I was never at the top of his list. He, however, was alway s at the top of mine.

And that is where I lost  part of myself…part of my spirit. I gave up so much to be with him — my family, my friends, my job — all to live the military life. But I told myself “That’s okay!” because I was in love and we were going to be together forever. Our relationship started via email and then gradually went into phone calls. Everything was so fairy-tale like: he was sweet, charming, appreciated me, loved the same things I did. Then we met for the first time and we knew it was love. He went back for four months to finish his tour and I packed up my stuff and moved in with him when he got back. But as soon as the “vacation” was over, he became a totally different person.

Work began again and he warned me that things would get a little different once that happened…he’d be busier, come home tired, etc. But what I didn’t know was that the etc. was, “Honey, I’m going to be the polar oppposite to the person you fell in love with.”

He put his needs and comfort before ours (as in our relationship) and became a very self-absorbed anti-social person. We never went out, unless it was dinner solo, and the only thing we did on weekends was go to gun shows and go to the park. If we did plan something, he’d want to bow out at the last minute and sometimes convince me to do so as well. When we did go to social events (battalion formals, a wedding, family gatherings) he’d complain of being exhausted and thus either be completely quiet and anti-social (like he was hating life) or he’d absolutely ignore me. I’m talking won’t touch me, associate with me, talk to me, NOTHING. At one point we were at his sister’s wedding and sitting at a table with several other couples — we were the only couple you’d think weren’t involved; everyone else was being sweet with one another, affectionate, etc.

As our relationship progressed it began to make me feel worthless, lonely and unattractive. We didn’t make love, we just had sex. He always initiated it and if I tried he’d say he was “too tired.” (I bring up that part of our relationship because it is IMPARITIVE for a couple to have intimacy, but it should be beautiful and meaningful for both parties…) He bought me things only for his personal gain — whether that was so he could use it or show it off. I felt like nothing more than a trophy to him.

Now at times he was sweet, loving and affectionate…but that was only behind closed doors. Vacation’s were great too because, I guess, he was away from work.  But a relationship has to last beyond the “vacation.”

I would also like to address that the job of military officer is NOT EASY. I do not entirely blame him for the downfall of our relationship: I had a part in this too and I was often impatient and resentful to him because he couldn’t be present. His job is stressful and asks a lot of him…to be fair, this is a very critical time in his career and I didn’t have to be apart of the army life. Now that I have, I probably will not date another military man ever again.

On the contrast, my ex has some serious growing up to do. He had not had a meaningful adult relationship before ours. He needs to learn some more about women and see them more than just objects and things in his life.

That being said, I am working on ME now…getting a career going (finally) and starting to take care of myself.

Thank you for listening,

HeartBlogger