“A life that is so worth celebrating reminds us how to live.” January 30, 2009

Yesterday C’s grandfather passed away. He lost his battle with cancer (on his skin, that spread everywhere) and congestive heart failure. C seems to be hiding it well, but I know he’s broken up about it; his dad and step mom are not okay either. Last night C and I toasted to his grand-dad, and man I was able to meet a few times. He was sweet, just like C’s dad, and very smart.

It reminds me of five years ago, around this time, when my mom died. I have been able to block out the minute-by-minute memories of when she got sick and then the week later when she died, all so unexpectedly. Just thinking about how quickly she was taken away from me brings tears to my eyes. How I don’t remember the last time I heard her voice or what she said, or when I got one of her good hugs. And although I can still see her lying there in the ICU, a tube down her throat, her head bandaged from the surgery, and the glassy look in her eyes – the memory I see every time I think of her, she is laughing and smiling big, her eyes crinkling up at the corners the way they did when when my brother said something or did something hilarious; one of the many times in our last year or so together when she really let go and just had fun. I’m happy that she had those moments and we got to have them with her.

I was just looking in the “box of Mom” I have — a collection of some of her personal items, “Mother” books I’ve bought over the years, letters to me from her, and pictures. A large envelope of cards is also associated with it, because these are the sympathy notes I received after she passed. I got cards from people I’d never met, some that I only saw once or twice, and good friends. I was reading some of these items and was taken aback at how openly people reached out to me and my family.

I did of course toss out the card I found from my boyfriend at that time, the guy I dated for 2 1/2 years who cheated on me not 3 months after my mom died. In the card he wrote, “I love you and will always be here for you for anything! Xoxoxoxo, My Love Forever, JEFF BEEBE.” I hope he Googles his name and reads this because he’s an asshole and a douche bag and I threw the card out today after I found it. I have never read a sentence that was more of a crock.

Anyways, I’m hoping to get C’s dad’s address so I can overnight them some of my “O” cookies…they’ve never tasted them before but I hope they help!!!!!!!!!!!

K

Wow, it’s been a while! January 28, 2009

So much has happened since my last post (and I don’t even remember what it was dated)… here’s an update:

1.) I know I had a picture of a dog I wanted to rescue in the last entry, but have since taken a new path!!! We went to a corgi breeder and found the cutest little guy ever ) he is a tri-colored Pembroke Welsh Corgi and we named him Trigger ) he’s about 3 1/2 months old and such a great dog! We have him in puppy classes every Saturday and so far he’s doing amazing. Here’s his picture…

2.) Things are still going well with C and I, although we’ve definitely had our share of difficulties. Living the army life for ME is definitely not easy. I’ve been going to meet-ups with the other Army officer’s wives in C’s battalion, and have a few friends outside of the army, so all of that is helping with the adjustment. However, C definitely exhibits the typical army-soldier mentality where he is the only one doing “the hard stuff”. It’s been sort of a battle between us, because I’m not one to just sit there and deal with it. I’m not afriad of speaking up when something is bothering me. So we have been good with our communication.

3.) The holidays were lovely — went to visit with C and his fam and then spent a few days with my dad and brother at my dad’s house. That was nice, although it’s always awkward at the house w/Pops…I never feel like he enjoys the time I spend with him, or that he even wants me around. I got to see my best friend and my swim coach and her daughter, and hung out with some other friends, so that was nice.

4.) I’ve started a gym membership at Gold’s and have also taken advantage of their personal training. It’s not cheap by any means, but I think it is going to help with my motivation and sticking with my workouts. I still want to do between 5 and 10 5k’s t his year and hopefully this will help.

5.) I have not been to church in AGES… and I think it’s because it’s too emotional for me. Every time I go I end up crying my eyes out in the pew in front of the rest of the congregation. I got so sick of it happening that I just stopped going. I would think about going to church and then change my mind when I thought about how I might cry again. (It’s like I put my faith on “mute” so I don’t have to deal with it.) It also has to do with my mom, of course. I’ve been worrying a lot about seeing her again — when I die — and began to think about that not happening…like, that there is no heaven and when we die our soul doesn’t exist anymore and we’re just done. That has been on my mind soooooooooooo much lately. I think internally it’s making me very angry and thus, I am taking it out on those I love. It’s driving me nuts!

6.) Oh, and I found out that my best friend is PREGNANT!!! I’m going to be a psuedo-auntie ) I can’t wait! I just I lived closer to her so I could help… I can’t wait for baby showers ) I’ve already started looking at clothes at Target and stuff and becoming overwhelmed with all the cuteness! )

7.)  Been shopping waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much. Like QVC and online shopping, it’s gotten so bad. Sheesh!

8.) Going on a cruise with my dad to Puerto Rico, St. Thomas and St. Maarten in a week!!! So freakin’ excited )

9.) OMG, Winn Dixie chocolate chip cookies are my friend…wow

 

Alrighty, have a good Hump Day everyone!

Kisses,
K