I’ve still been having trouble sleeping. Last night I was up for over 3 hours, just laying in bed, trying to keep my eyes closed and calm my mind. So many things were racing through my head I eventually had to get up and write them all down! That sort of helped, but I was up for another hour afterward.
And I’m having flashbacks… all of a sudden, while I’m lying there trying to sleep at night, I will see her… she is in her hospital bed, hooked up to the breathing machine, the tubes down here throat, her eyes all glassy. She looks in my direction but I don’t know if she sees me. Then, my mind will flash to when she was more alert and awake, but still she isn’t speaking. Honestly, I don’t remember the last time I heard her voice or what she said to me (and what I said to her). I’m fairly certain it was a pleasant conversation we had, but I don’t know what it was about. And in these flashbacks, there is so much pain… in her face, both physical and emotionally, and inside me. It feels like a sharp pain in my chest, a knife maybe, and my breath is taken away. My family is sad too, they are all around me.
The scariest part of all is that it’s getting harder to remember what she sounded like. Her voice, her laugh, even her scolding tone — I long to hear it just one more time, even if she says, “You’re grounded!”
I have so many questions for her. I initially thought that I’d be fine, because I was 20 when she died and most of the tough girl-questions she had already answered. But I don’t think you ever stop needing questions answered…especially by your mother. How to fall in love, how to make heart-over-mind choices, how to know if you are making the right decision.
I’m watching Corina Corina right now…it’s bringing back all these memories of the first few months after she died. Geesh.
