It’s 10:34 at night and I feel like it’s 2 a.m. C went to bed about a half hour ago and since then I learned some disappointing news from my sister.
Judy, my father’s live-in, 24-hour aid just quit. Her last day is sometime this week. She said she just can’t do it anymore.
Her unfortunate departure comes on the heels of a pretty upsetting weekend in Wyoming, where she accompanied my dad to a wedding for one of my his MS friends. From the get-go everything was pretty much doomed I guess: their first flight out of Ft. Lauderdale was held up 3 hours on the tarmac while technicians attempted to fix the plane’s broken computer system, decided it was beyond repair, installed a new one, and then had to update it with software. Therefore, they missed their connecting flight in Atlanta. Then there wasn’t enough room on the stand-by flight. They finally made it to Denver around 11 p.m. where they proceeded to drive 2 1/2 hours to their hotel in Wyoming. Their hotel, by the way, was built back in the “old ages” and didn’t have handicapped accessible rooms or bathrooms, therefore making every single FREQUENT trip for my dad almost impossible (Judy had to pretty much help him every time). My dad and Judy were able to grab a quick couple of hours sleep; Judy, however, woke up amidst her nap feeling sick to her stomach so she went to the bathroom. While in their she suddenly felt faint and actually passed out; when she came to, she was slumped on the side of the toilet and had lost complete control of her bodily functions. For the remainder of the day she was vomiting on a pretty regular schedule and couldn’t even keep water down.
So, needless to say, Judy couldn’t attend the wedding that afternoon, thereby which making it impossible for my dad to attend, seeing that he didn’t have any transportation (he can’t drive) and Judy obviously couldn’t take him. However, my dad WAS able to go to the reception which was at the hotel they were staying in. So around 4 or 5 p.m. she sent my dad on downstairs to meet up with the rest of the guests and bridal party.
So because my dad has multiple sclerosis, he isn’t allowed to have alcohol; it’s more like he SHOULDN’T have it, but still it’s also a bad combination with the “cocktail” of medication he takes (some of which actually ADVISES the patient not to consume alcohol). However, my dad loves his wine. He and my mom didn’t drink a lot when I was growing up, but after she died he naturally started drinking more of it. Well, he had some pretty scary grand-mal seizures about 6 months ago all because of a low level of anti-seizure medication (which he takes at night); after he recovered and went to a follow-up full examination, his doctor strictly advised “no alcohol”. (We couldn’t take any risk in the booze messing up whatever medication levels he had, nor should he be thrwing pills down his stomach after it’s full of vino.)
Whether it’s my dad’s MS that makes him unable to understand right from wrong, or he’s seriously disobeying doctor’s orders, my family’s orders, or Judy’s orders, my dad DRANK WINE at the reception. I know the basics of the disease pretty good, but I don’t know MS well-enough to know if my dad really didn’t remember he isn’t supposed to have alcohol, or if he’s regressing to adolescence and just going against better judgment. (That last part is really scary.)
This is where it gets bad: Judy is in bed, still sick, when my dad comes back from the reception. It’s late and he’s tired (which comes from the time of night AND having MS) and Judy is exhausted as well. Judy told me later she could smell alcohol on his breath (gin actually) and questions my dad about it; he says he had wine, which she then proceeds to scold him for. Then they go to bed. Within the next 2 hours (give or take) my dad has to get up to use the bathroom…when he does, he attempts to use the chairs outside the bathroom Judy has set up to help him get in there and is successful, but FALLS when he tries to transfer himself to and from. He calls out for Judy, who is weak and tired, and she helps him and does what needs to be done to clean up the situation.
Don’t ask, but their return flights were all screwed up just as much as their ones into Denver, so much so that the airline booked them a hotel stay in Atlanta – their layover city.
The last part about my dad I didn’t find out until about a week after they returned home. (She did also call on the day of the wedding too, just to keep me up-to-date with the goings on, and my dad had called me when they got home as well.) Judy still sounded very tired on the phone but I was still shocked when she told me what happened…
“So did your dad call you yet?” she asked.
“Yeah, he did when yall got home,” I replied.
She said, “But did he tell you what happened?”
“Well, nothing other than what you told me about from the weekend. Why, what else is going on?”
“Yeah, I figured he wouldn’t tell you, because he’s embarrassed.”
Judy then went into the whole story, with a very frustrated but exasperated tone. I didn’t need to hear her say she was fed-up, you could hear it in her voice. After the exhausting long day of waiting and flying, and puking, the poor woman was struck a third time with my dad’s shennanigans. Ugh – but It’s hard to blame my dad and gawk at him so…I keep wanting to say “he doesn’t realize what he did.” What Judy did was a very big favor — my dad acted very foolish, and not unlike a drunk teenager who’s best friend (Judy in this case) must cary their buddy back to the dorm rooms and keep one eye open to make sure he doesn’t aspirate in his sleep on his own bile.
Now to the culmination of this post: Judy QUIT. While I haven’t talked to my dad yet, my sister did and told me he said Judy’s last day is sometime this week – that somone new will be employed.
I’m very scared. We hired (well, my dad’s estranged sister-in-law and my aunt hired her) about 6 months after my mom died. I was the only one living at home at the time and we were getting a *free* aid during the day thanks to the VA. She was horrible though…serving my dad fish sticks and french fries for dinner when I couldn’t get home from work in time to get to the store and cook something (which I wasn’t very skilled at doing yet). Then, around Thanksgiving, my dad fell in the middle of the night due to an unknown bladder infection; he was admitted to the hospital for 10 days, the length of his stay primarily due to seizures he kept having because of the infection. After that my aunt said we needed to get my dad 24-hour care.
It’s been such a blessing to have found Judy. As soon as she began working with us we all knew Dad would be safe. She took charge: She was on top of his medication, she made sure he was eating three FULL meals a day with snacks in between, she kept his mind going with games, she could drive him anywhere he needed to go, and she was a friend to him. My dad wouldn’t have made it through the last four years with out Judy. He was happy and smiling because of her. Now, I don’t know what’s going to happen…it’s like he drove her away.
I don’t know what we’re going to do. My brother is overseas with the Navy and when he gets home is stationed in San Diego, and my sister lives in San Francisco — both of my “helpers” are hundreds of miles away on the other side of the country. The two people who were also a big help are my aunt and uncle, to which my dad “kicked out of his life” about over a year ago (they haven’t spoken since). My dad’s brothers and sisters all live mostly up north, but some are in the Carolinas…they, however, don’t understand my dad’s condition and have also distanced themselves from him probably because of it. I don’t know about my mom’s other brother and sister and in-laws that live near him…I think they are also unaware of the severity of his MS because they too were out of the picture for so long (because my other aunt and uncle, the ones who are now estranged, were INvolved…stupid family dysfunction). I’m now out of state, although only one away, but JUST moved here — how am I supposed to get on with this new life of mine when my only parent is ill and is now possibly in trouble?
I know I need to be optimistic, but it’s hard right now. I don’t want to say I can’t blame Judy for leaving, but it’s true. While I love my dad to death, he is difficult to care for. I know Judy saw a more agreeable side of my dad than I did when I took care of him, but I don’t know what I’m going to do.
It’s now almost midnight and my mind is racing.
Goodnight…
I am evening relishing in the bickering C and I seem to do — but I just love it! It means we’re communicating, we’re REAL, and can look past it all. No one is perfect and we love that…we just work on being open.
