I never thought I’d be leaving a place of work that would actually want me to stay; I never thought of myself as that invaluable. It’s quite a strange feeling. I was even offered money! Me, they want ME to stay? It’s just really weird.
I know I haven’t blogged in a while — it’s probably a little redundant to say I’ve had things on my mind. I had back-to-back work events for almost 3 weeks; My Soldier came home from his 15-month deployment in Iraq a week ago; I was just the Maid of Honor in my friend’s wedding this past weekend; the biggest of all changes I made though was the decision to quit my job.
There were a lot of factors that went into this decision–some of which have stemmed from months recently passed and others that have just come into play. My dad always tells me this story of when he was deciding whether or not to quit his 15+ stint at IBM. When he was talking with his doctor about it, the doc told him to make a list of the 5 most important things in his life: He wrote down my mother, my sister, my brother and I, but couldn’t think of the last thing. Finally, he realized that HE needed to be on his own priority list. That is the way I am looking at my present decisions.
This past year I’ve dealt with a lot of family drama that has kept me grounded on an emotional roller coaster; I’ve never been more stressed out in my entire life. Now some of it has been good stress, however a lot of it has been bad. I also think it is safe to say that I still haven’t “recovered” from my mother’s death… although it’s been four years, there is not time limit on how long you grieve for someone. I’ve felt physical pain from her loss, and am worried that if I don’t take some time to evaluate my life and where I’m going I will constantly be in a state of anxiety and stress and will eventually die an early death just like her.
I’m also still so young. When I hear women my age gripe about turning 25 years old I want to slap them. We are at the peak of our lives right now and there is only a small window of opportunity that we are able to regulate where we are going. I want to point myself in the direction of a great career that I LOVE; I don’t want to be one of those people who are stuck in a job that they hate and can’t get out of it. I also want to get my career on track before I have a family…because I do want to have a family, but not before I am settled into my life.
Another thing that has impacted my life recently is my boyfriend, My Soldier. I will be the FIRST person to say that I have no idea what living a military life is like — whether I am the soldier or the girlfriend/fiance/wife. I’ve made it throught his first deployment, but I was only really involved for a part of it. The last 4 months I was very emotionally tied — they were the longest 4 months of my life. Our future together, because he plans to make the Army his career, is very touch and go and will no doubt bring on a lot of challenges. I’m willing to accept it, work with it, and be there for him through it all because I LOVE HIM. He brought me out of a place in my life that I didn’t see myself leaving… a place of saddness, no hope, and cynicism. But since meeting My Soldier, the worries in my life have disappeared — or rather, while they still will exist, I feel confident getting through them because I have him by my side. I feel so blessed to have found someone who understands me and that I can communicate with even in the silence.
Making changes (and I mean BIG changes) is flat-out scary. Moving, quitting jobs, starting new ones, going back to school, switching careers altogether, new relationships — they are all frightening. But life isn’t about not doing something just because it’s scary… life is about making decisions, challenging ones, and testing your limits. If everyone stopped going for what they wanted because they were afraid to fail, we’d all be poor and unhappy. I know it’s going to be hard — I don’t need people to tell me that. And yeah, I’m scared. But for the first time in my life I feel like I’m making the right decision and I’m doing it by myself and for myself. I’ve always prided myself on being determinted; granted, I have my indecisive moments and moments where I feel hopeless, but I’m a firm believer in working hard for the things you want and with the hope that you will achieve your dreams. You can’t be blamed for trying–and you only fail when you stop trying.
Alright, I’m getting off my soap box now 
~K
