I don’t know why I go through these strange droughts with writing here…it’s like I have small spurts where I actually manage to type something out — otherwise I get to this blank page and then just “x” out of the window.
I think writing is something the old me did because I enjoyed it. I thought I had a deep understanding of most things and a way interpreting many emotions and situations. Nowadays, writing just reminds me of my own feelings of saddness and anxiety and worry. Writing used to be a way that I let go of things; now it almost hurts to much to face those things, and I’ve learned in many ways to stop myself from feeling and in simple terms “talk my way out” of it alltogether. That isn’t good but it unfortunately is the way I deal with not breaking down every second of my life.
I often contemplate what most people stress about in this world: work, family, money [of course], relationships, health — and there are obviously sub-categories to all of that. As I go about my days and encounter others — whether I get to speak to them or know them at all — I sort of enjoy wondering what their life is like. Maybe it’s a longing to relate? Or maybe a way to escape? My profession right now involves communicating face-to-face with people every day — I am in sales, but I get to know my customers on a personal level and sometimes end up finding a lot more about their life than either party intended to share. And as we talk, and they ask me questions, I give back reflection and advice even (if just ever so slightly), but not once do I ever think of my emotions. Sometimes at the end of the day I ask myself, “How is it that I didn’t burst into tears today?”
I’m listening to the new song by Lady Antebellum called “I need you.” Most people who listen to this probably interpret it as a love song — which is probably the right determination! However, I go to a completely different place when I hear these types of songs; especially with lyrics like “I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.”
It’s unfortunate that those of us in this life who’ve lost a loved one are errevocably and forever changed in their heart, mind and souls. That may be cliche to say but its meaning is anything but between any two people. Most days I’m able to not feel anything at all — I always think of the loss, but I can block out the emotions and see it for what it is. But I would never wish this upon anyone else.
I would give anything rewind my life and push an eternal pause button. I would never want anyone to feel what it’s like to want your old life back, before the hurt began; to want those family moments back, when everything in the world didn’t matter because at least you were all together; to wonder if someone is proud of you, or if you’ve done right by them; to be ashamed of the things you know they wouldn’t be proud of; to share your life with them, have them get to know the adult you are today.
This will be the sixth Christmas without my mother and the FIRST one without any of my family around. I just ended a relationship about 4 months ago where I thought I’d had the rest of my life all planned out — but it turned out to NOT be the right life for me so I got out of it and am happier because of it. I was crashing at my friends’ house for a few months and just moved into my own apartment. Living solo is great — no rules but your own and no one to blame for mistakes but yourself; I plan to do a lot of soul-searching 
It’s also the first time I’ve had to buy furniture, pay my very own bills — and spend my first Christmas alone. I have a new job (part-time management) and since it’s retail like I said above I will have to be here to work through the holidays. That means not much time off to go be with my dad and brother on Christmas. The guy I’m dating exclusively now (which means he’s my boyfriend) did say I am welcome to spend Christmas Eve with him and his family and then stay over with him…but then I am grappled with wondering is it too soon? Do they want some new girlfriend of his hanging around for their family holiday traditions?
So that’s where I’m at right now I guess…a perpetual emotional sleigh ride at 26 years old. I guess it could be worse — and it most likely won’t get easier, right? So trying to make the best of all of it is what I’ve been trying to do. Make Mom proud while I have the opportunities to, volunteer my time where needed, make contributions to this world, and just do what makes me happy.
((more cliche moments right below!))
There are never enough moments in this life to say exactly what you mean. There’s ALWAYS just a few minutes to tell the ones you love how you feel. Never EVER let those kind of moments pass you by.
